29 Years of Television

I have seen a lot of television in my lifetime, as many of you have.I have seen a lot of good television. The Simpsons, SNL, Planet Earth, Sienfeld...the list goes on.

I have seen a lot of terrible television. The Food Network, Tyra Banks, pretty much anything my girlfriend watches.

But the best show on television is only 30 seconds long. It pops up from time to time. Sometimes it pops up in my head when I'm not even watching T.V. It's so good that sometimes I have dreams of this 30 second mini show.Sometimes this glorious little show makes other things on my body "pop-up". Even when I'm not watching it. This fantastic "show"; because it is a show to me (I rewind and pause and fast forward to the good parts all the time), even spawned a catalog. Or did the catalog spawn the commercial?

You know the store the catalog and the commercial. Every time I get close to it in the mall I can smell it. Every time I see the commercial I get an excited smile. Same thing happens every time I open the mail box and see the catalog...sitting, waiting, wishing me to open it. I get an evil excited grin, probably the same one you got the first time you found your asshole.

This show started as a store. Which in all my shopping days is also the greatest store in the mall.The Victoria Secret commercial, store and free catalog dominate all other commercials, stores and catalogs. Hands down.The panties. The thongs. The lace. The Bras. The boobs. The "I think I see a nipple's."

The best.

There are no other regular commercials on T.V. that can take a full grown man from flaccid to humping a couch pillow in thirty seconds. There is not a more exciting commercial on television. Rarely, the programming is as exciting.

Check out the bench in front of Vickies Secret at anytime you are mallin'. Chance is, there are some dude(s) eyeballin the candy while they suck on a ice cream cone. That dude is probably me, why do they put the Friendly's right across from the sexiest panty store in the world? Because they know that there are slubs out there with a speedy penis like me who need a seat and some boner camo. I dunno, but it may be the most wonderful place in the world; it smells lovely the patrons (most of them) are candy, and I have ice cream to lick on. It is a most wonderful experience.

It's not even over...but it is the best one ever.

2008 Major League Baseball Game

I love Evan Longoria. How awesome is he?

Goddamn Awesome. That's how Awesome he is. Every time you speak or write of Evan Longoria you use a capital A. As in Evan Longoria is Awesome.

A rookie. What? A mere 22 years old?

Savior.

Marksman.

M.V.P.

Pay him more.


He tied the 2008 MLB All Star game in the bottom of the 8th inning for the American League. Who by the way hasn't lost an All Star game for 11 years.

With his game tying ground rule double driving in Grady Sizemore to tie the game at three; Longoria managed to smack an ignorant New Yorker in the bladder with the rifled shot into left. 3in. From the punks willy. That guy ain't gonna piss right for a week kinda shot.

I got chills as i laughed. I hope you all have DVR so you can go back and watch that. If not, I hope it is on YouTube in the morning so all you fuckers with real jobs can see it at your cubicle.

Go Tampa Bay. But still bleed orange.

As I was uploading that Evan Longoria is Awesome photo to the blog, Navarro just gunned down Ramirez at second. Go Rays!

Finally? Fantasy Football?

Well, it is only July 15th and the invites are rolling in already for the fresh season of fantasy football.

Aren't we getting a little crazy with all this fantasy football? Training camp has not even started yet and I am turning down invites to join football leagues. Fantasy football is going to be my 2nd income this year. Already, in July, I'm looking at an investment of $400. That's a car payment.

But we can't play internet games without betting now can we? No, of course not.

Coming very soon....My pick(s) for the best bet running backs this season, and im pretty sure you'll be surprised.

Brett Favre To Baltimore?

I just got done watching John Clayton on ESPN's NFL Live, he reports to me; because I am the only one in the room and he was looking directly at me; in high definition he is ridiculous looking, complete with the rodently girlfriend repellent face. In this report to me he claims that Brett Farve wants back into the game...again. The best part is Green Bay has already ushered in Aaron Rodgers and has the option to bring him right back or trade his old ass.

Clayton reports that an AFC team could likely be the forerunner of Favre's famous number four (toungue twister intentional) so the Packers would not have to play against him. My team of note is the Baltimore Ravens. Apparently, Fave would make a good mentor to the likes of Joe Flacco and Kyle Boller. I still have not given up hope for the latter.

At first, as a sports fan and fan of the NFL, I was against this marriage. Brett Favre could not play anywhere else. That would be like getting a...I mean kissing your sister. Then a convincing argument by Trixie led me to feel like...screw 'em.

I will take Brett Favre in an instant. With the kind of things he does in the pocket I wouldn't want to play against him either. Even as a fan of an opposing team. If you missed Brett Favre last year, here is what he did:

4,155 Passing Yards

28 Touchdown Passes VRS 15 Interceptions

95.7 Quarterback Rating

When is the last time a Ravens fan could say their quarterback did that? 2009?

If Green Bay don't want the guy, I will take him. I don't feel like playing against the guy, possibly twice or three times. If Green Bay can't have him it might as well be Baltimore.

Green Bay will get over the loss. Baltimore got over Johnny U going to San Diego. The golden arm has been gone for years now and he has never been bigger. Perhaps the brass up in the front office of Green Bay is done with all the retirement games. Perhaps they should cut the ties. Legacy over. They'd be a bunch of dummies, but I wouldn't mind watching them do it. Or a purple and black on Favre's back.

Squashing Oriole Magic

The Baltimore Orioles are undoubtedly playing wonderful baseball right now. Could it have been a little crazy for first baseman Kevin Millar to say they will make the playoffs? I think that can definitely be considered a little crazy. Especially coming from a guy who patrols the right side of the infield in ultimate warrior makeup every sunny Sunday.

With that said, the Orioles do have a 24-20 record and they did pound the last place New York Yankees Tuesday night in the Bronx. They racked up 12 runs on a Yankees team that looks pathetic. The whole team. Flat. Stale. Old. Washed up. Bad.

So why is it then these bad New York Yankees get every game they play in high definition? Why can't the brass in the Orioles organization get us fans some decent broadcasts? Last year O's fans didn't have any HD broadcasting. One of three teams including the Kansas City Royals and the nearby Washington Nationals.

This year the Kansas City Royals have more games, something like 75 games total, than the Orioles do. The Orioles have 37 if you include games not broadcast by MASN. The Mid-Atlantic Sports Network, which ranges from the Harrisburg Pennsylvania region to northern Virgina all the way down to North Carolina. All those people and only 37 broadcasts in High Def? The Nationals are in the same boat.

The Baltimore Orioles own the MASN and guess who owns them. The lovely Mr. Peter Angelos. This guy has all kinds of money and savvy and he can't get us more games in HD than the Kansas City Royals or the Tampa Bay Rays?

Give me a break.

Games they do have in HD are only in big markets as well. In fact, the only games in HD are against the Red Sox and the Yankees other than the Nationals. MASN probably borrows all Boston's equipment and I am surprised that us fans are afforded the luxury of our own announcers.

So, to all the Nationals fans out there that feel MASN is out there to keep you down. Your right. But the network is doing the same to Baltimore fans squashing our Oriole Magic.

I guess all that we can hope for in the future is that the Orioles get an owner that runs the team like a fan, not a money hoarding dictator.